Hi there!
I wanted to take a moment to revisit some key moments in my journey—moments that shaped me and ultimately led me to the work I do today. Sometimes, you don’t realize how deeply you’ve been affected by a situation until you start telling the story. For me, this is one of those times.
A Toxic Foundation
When I got married in 2005, I had big dreams for my marriage. I thought I was building a life with someone who would walk alongside me as a partner in faith, but the reality was much different. Our marriage was rocky from the start—constant arguments, screaming matches, gaslighting, and even verbal abuse. I thought it was just a phase, a rough start that we’d work through. But over time, I realized this wasn’t a phase; it was the foundation.
I tried everything I could to fix it—counseling, praying, planning for our future—but I was the only one trying. My ex-husband was apathetic, and I found myself taking on all the responsibility, acting more like his mother than his wife. The weight of trying to hold everything together was suffocating. I became a Jezebel in my own home—trying to lead when God had not ordained me to do so.
Burning the Ships
By 2011, I started praying about divorce. I knew things were bad, but I kept holding on, especially after I got pregnant with my daughter. I thought having a child might give me the strength to endure or even heal the marriage, but it didn’t. Things only got worse. I found myself in a state of constant stress and exhaustion. My health began to suffer, and my body was sending me signals that I couldn’t ignore.
One day, after almost dropping my daughter during a dizzy spell, I knew I had to see a doctor. That visit changed everything. The doctor told me I wasn’t physically ill—I was depressed. At first, I was offended. Depressed? Not me! But as I sat in silence later that night, I realized he was right. I was depressed— because of my marriage and what I had allowed myself to endure.
The Turning Point
The next day, I knew something had to change. For years, I had prayed for God to fix my marriage, but I hadn’t stopped to ask if He had even ordained it in the first place. I realized I had been trying to apply God’s rules to something He hadn’t created. Marriage is a covenant that God puts together, and if He’s not in it, you can’t expect Him to sustain it.
This realization was my turning point. I had to get off the merry-go-round of toxicity, dysfunction, and abuse. It wasn’t easy. There were tears, fears, and even guilt. But through it all, I felt God leading me—reminding me of His promises and His desire for me to live in freedom and alignment with His will.
Why I Share My Story
I share this not to accuse or bash anyone, but because I know there are women out there in similar situations. Women who feel stuck, who think the chaos they’re experiencing is normal, who believe they just need to pray or try harder. I’m here to tell you: It’s not normal. It’s not God’s best for you. And you don’t have to stay on that toxic merry-go-round.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to move forward, know that you’re not alone. God’s plan for your life is one of peace, love, and purpose—not confusion, chaos, and despair.
Moving Forward
Looking back, I’m grateful for the journey, even the hard parts, because they brought me to where I am today. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s aligned with God’s will, and that makes all the difference. If you’re struggling to restart after, or endure a toxic marriage, I encourage you to take a step back and ask God what He wants for you. Trust His guidance and know that His love for you is boundless.
If my story resonates with you, I’d love to hear how God is speaking to you. Let’s walk this path of healing and freedom together. You’re not alone, and there is hope on the other side of the storm.
Stay tuned for the next part of my journey as I continue to share how God has transformed my life.
In the meantime, if you'd like to watch my YouTube Video that inspired this post, you can watch it here
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P.S. If you're looking for resources to help you along your journey, be sure to visit my store. You can use the coupon code BLOG to get 20% off your purchase!
God bless you,
Amanda Nicole
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